my heart for Mother's Day...

sweet smooches for mama

these are the words of a precious note my husband left for me one Mother's Day morning a few years ago.  it's still stuck on our bathroom mirror.
"Happy Momma's Day, Honey!
I know this is hard for you and since i woke up this morning, I've been praying for you.
I love you so much.  The Lord is for us. He loves us and one day soon we will be blessed with a whole lot of kids.  i just need you to know i love you."
tears are flowing even as i type.
my heart this, and every, Mother's Day is not only for the beautiful children i have, but for the ones i've lost.  you become a mother the minute you know there's a tiny miracle growing inside you.  there are so many women who have to face the heartbreaking realities of miscarriage and infertility, or have just been waiting years to get pregnant.
i knew when i was very young that i was gonna be a mama and i couldn't wait!
about 4 1/2 years ago, my honey and i found out we were pregnant for the first time.  the excitement was short-lived, as i lost it at around 7 weeks.
after that, we decided to wait.
a year 1/2 later, i was 'ready' to try again and we got pregnant for a second time very quickly.
each appointment showed a strong heartbeat and mama was feeling pretty good too.
when we went at 19 weeks to find out the sex of the baby, she still had a strong heartbeat, but they discovered a birth defect know as Turner's Syndrome.  she had a pretty severe case of it and they decided it would be best for us to see a specialist. when we went to see the specialist almost a week later, her heart had stopped beating.  we named her Sally, after my grandmother.
to most, i seemed so strong, but inside i was breaking.
still, i couldn't be angry with my Savior.
the doctor suggested i wait through three regular cycles to start trying again. we waited through two.
i was pregnant a third time.
i lost it around 7 weeks.
now is when the real questioning started to begin.
why did it seem like i was the only one?
why are there alcoholic junkies that didn't even want to be pregnant in the first place delivering healthy babies?
why don't i have any trouble getting pregnant, but i can't keep them?
still, i couldn't question the Father's love for me.
we didn't waste any time after that miscarriage... i didn't even have another cycle before i was pregnant again.... this time with my dear sweet Asa.
his name means physician or healer, and the Lord's given me so much healing through that boy, it's fantastic!
now, i'm more than 30 weeks into another healthy pregnancy with a beautiful baby girl.
every once in a while, my joy is interrupted by pain when i think on those heavenly babies that i never got to hold, but GOD IS GOOD and His love is bigger!
He gave me this testimony so that i might be an encouragement to others who are going through or have gone through similar circumstances.  i'm so thankful for this.
it's so amazing to know that His work is never finished!
i knew i would be a mother, and so i am.
i try to be so careful to love and appreciate every tiny morsel of this roll God's given me.

one last thing, a wonderful woman of God and dear friend suggested this book to me after our second loss.

find it here

while a lot of it speaks on her prayer quest for a painless childbirth (amazing!), she also suffered loss and provides some beautiful words of encouragement and references in scripture that got her through the initial pain and the fear that comes with every pregnancy afterwards.  i still read from it almost every night.

i truly can't wait to love on my boys and soak up every last second of this Mother's Day.  but, all the same, my heart is heavy for those who's hearts might be aching.  please be encouraged by this and know the Father's deep love for you... it covers EVERYTHING.

1 comment:

  1. The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh