a heavy heart...

tomorrow's the day!

will our fam add another handsome little man to the mix or will it be a another sweet little lady??

i want to get excited.

but, in this moment, my skin is crawling with nerves, my anxiety's reaching an all time high, and my stomach turns every time i let myself think on it a little too long.

i'm ashamed to admit this, because i'll preach it all day long to anyone that might be going through a dark valley in their own life.

{give it to God}

but, my ability to trust in the Lord on any given day throughout a pregnancy is pathetic, at best.

i want to.  i want him to lift this burden off my heart and chew it up and spit it out, but i hold onto it.

on a good day, i pray over this baby a hundred times, i feel it move, Justin lays hands on my belly, and i meditate on Psalm 139... 

specifically,

13 you made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  your workmanship is marvelous -- how well i know it.

15 you watched me as i was being formed in utter seclusion, as i was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16 you saw me before i was born. every day of my life was recorded in your book.

every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

17 how precious are your thoughts about me, O God. they cannot be numbered!

18 i can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!

and when i wake up, you are still with me.

{a very dear lady and amazing woman of God prayed this scripture over me with our second loss... Sally.  she died at 20 weeks gestation to a genetic disorder known as Turners Syndrome}

on a bad day {like most}, i convince myself that it wouldn't make sense to have another healthy baby.  it's too good to be true, isn't it??  the Lord's blessed me with two precious miracles and chances of another are growing slim.  i mean, three in a row?  if i think i might have felt the little bean kick, i tell myself it was just gas.  anything that can translate into a remotely negative sign, my mind takes it and runs with it... until i'm shaking and sobbing and calling someone close to pray because i don't trust myself to do it.

guys, motherhood has been THE greatest gift that my Saviour could ever have given me.

i count myself unbelievably blessed to have been entrusted with this responsibility.

and there's absolutely no reason why i shouldn't believe for one, two, three, four more healthy babes, that i shouldn't walk into that office tomorrow beaming with excitement and anticipation for GOOD news... but there's a wall there.

so, i'm humbly asking you to help me crack away at it.

hold me accountable.  i need to give this to my God in the most serious way.

will you pray with me?